Thursday, March 28, 2013

Fear is a good motivator.

Hand made into a fist knocked on my old, wooden door; it was loud, life threatening and it woke me from a deep sleep. A deep sleep that only God himself could wake me from. Panic sprouted within like nature birthing new plants; it seized me like a man guilty of a crime of passion and shoved me in dark corners; it held me against my will to be courageous.

I was running scared in my own skin; wishing in that finite moment, of several possibilities, that I'd be a different person. Someone much stronger, with the courage of an ancient warrior who subdued dragons with a swing of his sword. Because, then, my heart would not be thumping this hard leading me to think I might die before my legs, in their attempt to be strong, brace the old wooden door.

'A man has to do what a man has to do!' words as old as my door took a dive into the dark corners and liberated the bravery in me. Confident like a mouse on a food expedition, my feet still wobbled and my arrogance exalted on the achievement of three steps. The knocks grew more violent each second and I was, at the moment burying myself in thoughts that would only kill me in my sleep. But who was I not to wet my loose-fitting pajamas when the door forcefully swung open. It was the ghost of the woman next door who passed away three days ago. She had returned to remind me to feed her, evil cat who I swear was bewitched by the devil himself, and many times robbed me of my dinner on those late nights I returned from work.

I hate that cat! Oh dear Lord, I did. Its meow sounded like a woman saturated with sexual pleasure. One look at the cat and you could tell it possessed terrible intentions.

I was lost from all the numbness in my skin and her ghostly hands hitting hard against my round chocolate cheeks felt like air beating against my chest. She was serious, yet I was still in shock, gazing at her eyes wide as if the dead had just come back to life. The dead had come back to life and my pajamas was soaked.

Emotions



Your ship sailed away from my beautiful port; it always stood empty until you docked. Like any great captain, you’d mastered the rough seas and lived through those stormy days to tell the story of your surreal journeys. For a while, the sun gleamed, you stayed, and life was blissful. It was something to remember. Calm had returned with fond kisses of fall;  but it was spring time in my heart. I remember the days of endless grief when nothing else mattered, and my broken heart felt numb to the pain caused by your absence. You fled in the ship you came in, sailed away with lies of your return. Looking into these fiery old eyes which held nothing but love for you, lies floated on your honey lips and I was the fool who gulped them down my throat as if to quench an insatiable thirst.

Lies. Lies. Lies. There are those days when I wake up in panic, mostly at the thought of your absence. Here I sit, holding on to the remains, hoping, wishing, praying that they’d mend, that this port will gaze upon your stunning beauty. I dread the days ahead. I dread the chains of fear that have seized my heart. I dread the pure insanity that comes from feeling the void that you've left.There are mornings when all I do is croon to my pillow, eyes welling with tears awaiting your return. I’m a deserted island that no ship dreams of sailing to. I feel the bored despair and the waves of depression that shadow the little moments of joy when you are absent from my thoughts. I’m lost to the world because I remain yours. I died the day you sailed away. All the roses you left me have wilted because like me, they miss your presence, your touch and the sound of your voice.Your love was war, and it left me a prisoner

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Hate/Death/Forgiveness

In your eyes I see beams of nothingness: of pride, and consuming ego. I'm lost in my own mind because I'm busily searching for the statues that once held my thoughts of you together. When I find them, they'll meet sudden annihilation. I want to fade your existence from my thoughts and free myself from chains of love that have bound me all these years. I took a walk on a rocky beach; the air was familiar, and the breeze tasted like the salty specs that have been running down my cheeks. I know, because once on a crystal summer day, I felt this sharp pain in my rib cage. It was my broken bones, scrapping away the tattoos that I'd etched on the walls of my bloody heart. I want you erased from my memory. Whether or not we shared bored moments of bliss, here's to the take over. The separation, I hope, will last till I take my last breaths in this cold, forsaken world. I hate you! I hate how freely, I let my being get carried away by your so called affection. Now they've turned into demons that torture my reasoning. My flawed judgement plunges me deeper in regret and an endless list of 'had I knowns.'
I wish I could slip away secretly after my last words have fled from my lips, then I 'd spread out my arms and feel the winds of freedom tug at my armpits as my body takes flight I'll fly with invisible wings to lands that are not of this world. And there, I've heard, true love awaits... I hate you so much that I'm constantly asking for forgiveness.