LEILA'S PARTY: Protecting the Brand - 50,000 vrs 500,000

LEILA'S PARTY: Protecting the Brand - 50,000 vrs 500,000: A NORTHERN AFFAIR I have come under a lot of fire from folks who have seen A Northern Affair . Even from my family. My sister Karin ...

The Idea of love....

The love we shared fell apart like a snowman in the middle of spring; it was like watching the pearly lustre of the moon fade away in the early morning. We were always like a hummingbird and we couldn't keep still. I was the song you couldn't sing to your friends; and you were the love letter I could never pen, but we had each other like the sky had the sun.

The idea of love was entirely novel,-a stranger of sorts- to me but you made me believe that it was priceless. Your relentless patience and empathy told me that love was a beautiful thing that couldn't be bought. As the days slipped into oblivion, I couldn't hold on to the promises you wrote in the sand, or wait for the sunset to hit us like it does the driveway at 5:30 pm.

I freed myself from the reins of your love in remembrance of my grandmother’s words: “Love is selfless and you can’t love if the one you care about most is you.” I planted roses in the cracked walls of my heart and watered them with the tears you suffered me on those endless nights. I wore your words at heart; three eloquent words although naturally lying, camouflaged to burrow love in the crevices of my heart.

When I finally said that I loved you like masses of clouds loved the ocean firmament, you chuckled and uttered that love is not enough, and that words like ‘I love you’ are natural lies sold to humanity by nature.

My heart stopped...

Whispers in the Darkness

We pulled up chairs at midnight and sat in dark corners, crying our hearts out, wondering where the God who promised us rescue had disappeared to. Who was this God and why were our hearts were glued to him, they asked; our response swung, for many times, between His nature and His love. They gazed at us in bewilderment because our naivety made a child wiser. Trouble had found us; it had captured us in darkness and our minds were saturated with fear. Faith had lost its place in our hearts and we squealed like little girls lost in the middle of a forest.

Where was God when we our hopes of rescue had departed from us like rain in the dry seasons of Africa? Didn't He promise us salvation? Didn't He promise us a good life? Didn't He assure us of His constant love? the whispers in the the darkness said, "Save yourselves... your God, perhaps, died on His way to save you. Or He encountered a bigger God, Olympus maybe. They scared us and we became like dogs who were abused; depressed, with tails tucked between their legs.

Our unbelief brought God displeasure. We had tasted of the grace; of that unmerited favor and yet, we spoke ill of Him, we told Him that He was not enough. The world had gotten to us like a virus. It found us in those dark corners, fed on our fear, and contaminated our faith. We were tainted with words from the slithering creature, and tortured like lambs ready for slaughter.

But our God had not left us. He was not the kind to renege, lie, disappoint. He never changed... Never! He was still with us and He was shaping us! To be stronger, bolder and to know that He is the God who never changes.

...before the clock struck 6

So we raised our eyebrows and chucked in disbelief, thinking that it was absurd to ask for what you want and need. We resolved our conflicting thoughts silently because we knew that it was never overreaching waiting for love the right way. But what was love the right way? We had yet to understand what it meant to love another person before the clock struck 6. We stared awkwardly at each other thinking that we'd find answers there. We found the lies we'd been telling each other and the underlying tapestry of lies we'd both weaved with golden threads of imaginations and black frazzled threads of a reality that was unheard-of. Our stories had been created like the constellations; they told stories and tales of a life we never had. I sold her on my spotless past and she sold me on her character which was camouflaged to impart compassion and care. Whatever we shared; had been sold on the premise that love could only exist in a perfect world. A perfect world that has, since the beginning of time, been a facade.

...and love is a word used too much and much too soon.

1. Life is beautiful and I smile at it because that's what people like me do. You know it's a beautiful life when your eyelids part and your eyes gaze at the golden radiant smile of the sun and a 'Good morning' from nature in different tunes.

 Sometimes, I think these birds at my window are trying to serenade me.

2. You are alive and that's refreshing and great because as much as some others wanted to, they didn't. Be thankful in your heart, even if your fat/thin lips can't have thankful words float on them. It's another day and you are here to witness it. Leave the nagging for the insecure people and soar on your own wings of positive thinking.

3. Don't worry about what the other person is doing or what they are not doing. Stay in your marked territory and stay the course as you run your race. Unhealthy comparisons are always a red flag because no matter how good you are, someone will always be better. We are not created/birthed the same. Some are birthed to different tribes, families and in different countries, so stay on your course, think about how to make life easier for others, and stop complaining about how bad things are.

4. It's a beautiful life and you are fortunate, if not blessed, to still be in it. Think good, happy thoughts because not everything is about you, and not every bad thing that happens to you is bad. Develop a better perspective; a godly perspective. Let life teach you lessons that you'll learn from nowhere else.

5. Stop telling everyone your secrets! Most people don't care. Tell them to those who you know, and trust, and those who will offer good counsel and support you in prayer. We are angels with only one wing and by embracing each other, we'll learn how to fly.

6. Understand that time is the most precious thing on this earth. Everything runs on time. Your dreams, ambitions, love, future run on time. It's the one thing that ushers you in to everything else. You can't buy it. When it's gone, it's gone; so don't waste something that you don't have on something you don't want. Yes, you don't have time and as surreal as it may seem, you could die. Not everyone gets to prepare for death. Live wisely!!

7. Love with your heart and a clean mind. Love, not lust after people in the name of love. Because you will hurt someone and leave them broken, and living in fear of ever committing to anyone. When in doubt, patience is always the oxygen you need to breathe in because it moves mountains, and patience will cure you from any rash decision. Love with your heart; be it broken, bruised, or lifeless, it has the ability to make you smile again and breathe life into your blood stream.

8. Forgive, because it's an expression of true love. Let it go. Yes, you were hurt, but holding on only worsens that hurt. Move on! after breakups. Yes, move on!  If they run back in to your arms, see it as an opportunity to start afresh. You can't love someone with old feelings. Feelings always tend to play tricks on you because it's their nature to be unstable. When people walk out of your life, let them go. But leave the backdoor open just in case they change their minds. We are humans and perfection is the one illusion we all think we can pull off.

9. Love is a word used too much and much too soon. Don't use it if you don't mean it.

10. Live your life. Live it! Please, live it. Don't settle. Love the one you love and stick with them because  sharing your life with someone you love with all of you, can prolong your life. -Fact

Grace for Change

Why do we keep thinking that God understands so it’s okay to sin? Why are we constantly, telling God the same old story of excuses as we did last year? When the year ended there were so many things you told God you wouldn’t do again, but seven days later and you have done it. And now you are filled with guilt and you are thinking maybe you can never change.

Here’s the thing about change; you don’t just say God I want to be better at the altar, you actually make a step towards change.

In rehabilitation, addicts first acknowledge that they are addicts and then begin the process towards breaking the seal of addiction. Jesus didn’t give his life up just so you can be a Pharisee. No, that is not okay. We can’t really worship because we still have that chain of guilt and sin tangled around our waist. We must worship God in spirit and in truth. If you are waiting for a divine something that will help you stop sinning; you are late, because it’ll not happen. Jesus already saved you from sin so why do you have to go back to sin? That is like saying you want to lose weight and the whole time you are eating junk food, no exercise – nothing. When you tell God you’re going to change and that you need his help; He honors that request. Yes, He actually does. But most of the time, you don’t. You tell God you want to change and you go back to the same old life. It’s lunacy to think that you can do the same thing and get different results.

To change you need to first break the seal of that addiction, or sin, or problem by first acknowledging that it is a problem.

Confession breaks the seal of sin. It breaks the power of sin and pride. Confession shows you off as a terrible person. But there can’t be a revival without confession. To others you may be a terrible person, but God appreciates the bold step of coming as the true person you are.

There is no point in being a Christian if you are afraid of people not liking you. Being a true Christian is beautiful and you have been feeling too ugly for too long because you are not true to yourself. When you confess you see your own depravity. But you have to understand that the zeal for change should precede a confession or it’ll be meaningless. After confession, and forgiveness, you go back and change your routine. You need to take time and figure out which things trigger that sin, addiction, and problem, and break the cycle.

You have to break the routine, and change something. Most of these things require discipline and effort. To do that you need ask for help.

Help from God. Help from your pastor or close spiritual leaders you can trust. God always makes His grace available for change. He said to Paul that His grace is sufficient to see him through.

Silence of Lambs

She shot him once, in both knees and he went down with such brute force squealing like a little girl. Allie Rivers pulled that trigger; letting the hammer loose, and emptying two chambers into his knee caps. Fear gripped him. Any attempt to run and she would end him
 in a split second. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” they say. And Jacob knew too well that this very night could be his last. His joy had changed into sorrow, even fear, without any visible warning. “You cheated,” said Allie in a silent whisper, showing no emotion. She was so calm it scared him. “I’m sorry, Allie,” Jacob begged, “I’m sorry, love. Please don’t do this! We can work it out. Counselling! We can fix it!” He continued; mumbling anything that came to his mind. Before he said another word, she emptied the third into his thighs. Allie laughed briefly and continued walking around him. Jacob screamed even louder and unrestrained, till his voice could hardly be heard by Allie. Pondering over her husband’s words, Allie remembered that she had killed once; a man who had raped her. The grim fact that Jacob had sexually and physically abused her several times, knowing very well what she’d been through made her merciless and vengeful. He was going to make him suffer till his body was numb to the pain. Then she’d put him out of his misery. Allie reached for the cabinet took out a glass and poured some red wine. It was going to be a cold, hurtful night and she had spent many months planning and awaiting this night. Jacob continued begging her to stop but his words, as always, were camouflaged to impart some sort of emotion - feelings he never actually had. “Are you okay, baby?” Allie asked. She’d come up behind him - glass in one hand, gun in the other-with her stupid question. It was up there with “how do you feel?” Jacob ignored it. Jacob's imagination soared beyond the midnight sky and his mind had painted a portrait of his dead bodies being fed to the sharks. He was momentarily paralyzed by the thought and he bled profusely. Allie smiled pleasantly at him as he poured the wine on him. The cold look in her eyes troubled Jacob greatly. "I'm sorry, Allie." He cried, tears running down his cheek. He was sorry, deeply, but he was beyond saving. Allie wouldn't listen.scorn
 "I forgive you, baby, she whispered as if to scorn him. And then, she shot him in his chest and left him to bleed out.

Whispers in the air

When I first told you that you could whisper all those words you didn’t want anyone else to hear to me; I meant it. Before we exchanged hellos, yours posts had inspired many sweet writings. My first thoughts of your picture were delicate/beautiful and orchid. Your glasses did your eyes justice with a cute touch. So let me tell you that your smile is like the ocean after they’ve been kissed my the early morning sun. and that your eyes glow when you make weird faces. You are…….

When I started writing these words, I continuously though of roses but my mind wandered to a year old memory lane and I remembered that sweet nothings like roses are overrated. I’m not here to whisper sweet nothings in to your ears. I’m here to whisper whispers of yourself and to tell you that though miles of land and ocean-even snow lay between us, my words are as close as the ocean waves are to the shore.

From my side of the world, all I can give, I lay it out in the open to let you know that you are beautiful-
body and soul, and you are loved even if you don’t feel it.

You were not the first

You were not the first to tell me that you love me. I’m afraid I’ve been broken many times by the same words from different faces. And here you are, trying to open the doorway to my wounds with telltale words like love don’t cost a thing. I fell asleep to the rhythm of your heartbeat as my head lay gently on your chest. You were not the first to open the doors of my heart with what you conceived was love. My eyes beheld the velvet sky and how the moon beckons the stars to come at night, but I have yet to tell you how my heart feels. I have seen you broken and hurt by the thorns of my words too many times; but time again you lifted my head to your smiles and your flawless laughs. Sometimes in the quiet, I hear them echo in my ears; it’s how you linger within the chambers of my heart. Your love seeps through the pores of my cracked skin and in to my bones. I haven’t said it much but I love you more than the sun likes the sky. I feel your love on the darkest days- your comfort rushes to catch me when I’m gloom. You sold me on the beauty of your words and you held on to me on days that I wanted to let go. Here’s to you and us.

New Eyes and Refreshed heart

My mind is undecided about how I’ll feel when you finish reading these words as they leave my fingers. I can’t understand so many things, and I can wait to be told what is real, and what isn’t. To be that vulnerable in a place of uncertainty is like being in escaping the rain to fall in the ocean. And I don’t think that’s what love is. Before we exchanged hellos, I must have thought of you, countless times, as beautiful and you wore the best smile. Everybody I knew said that I was shut up, tighter than an air tight container but I brushed their words off like pencil shavings on a shirt. I hankered for you many days on end till I let the reigns slip thought the cracks of mind and just when I thought I was free of that desire, we happened.
We happened like red roses in spring, like the early morning sun in the east and we sailed faster than rapids. It was a speedy ride and we both loved it. When you asked me about my fears, I opened up like a flower in awe of the pearly lustre of the full moon and I shared my fears and my darkest moments with you. You braced me with love when I only thought that we were just beginning. What changed? Words that bear meanings, I write to you. Maybe you are afraid, because I never show my emotions and I hardly express my feelings. But if you knew me at all, you’d know that that’s who I am. You gave me the thrills that I’d never thought of. I felt the attraction and the sanity of your affection as your nature rubbed against mine.
Yes, we spoke about the future and I wrote you words that could have only come from my heart. You belonged with someone else but you told me that you loved me. And I loved you back. We were okay, happy, but it never felt quite right. It didn’t; so you spilled the beans and let me go. I left. I wasn’t sure of where to go because everyone said that I am too forgiving and I wore my heart on my sleeve- the pain and the heartache of broken promises. We fell apart and we have spent all the time in the world fixing what has always been broken. We are like pieces of broken mirror, better apart than together. When we tried putting the pieces after time had passed, we thought we could have all that we lost- all that we’d lost in the fall. We built trust, and tried affection, honesty joined, and for a while we seemed to have filled the pieces together. When I first met you, I wasn’t responsible enough to handle the importance of falling in love. I separated easily like vinegar and oil at first touch of uncertainty. But with you, I never understood why I couldn’t close the doors after you left to suit your own desire. My heart is invaluable to my future and I‘ve bruised and broken it so many times in the name of love.
You’ve always jumped first, looked later. And when I told you I scare easily, you said that you never knew what was real and what wasn’t. I have played second chair to your relationship. And you’ve left me twice for the same person in the name of my weaknesses. I may be a sealed bottle of emotions; an emotional roller coaster, but I have loved you like cotton ball clouds love the sky. The fear, I feel now, is familiar; I can almost tell that things are different. This is not a needle in a haystack. And this is not a love letter. This is a letter that says the skeleton of whatever we shared can never be put back together and like things of the past, they are better left untouched. We were once a beautiful thing that had no roots; had no zeal; no patience; no time.
I’m tired of the uncertainty and the constant feels of vulnerability when I bare my heart open. No more I miss yous. No more I love yous.
So with new eyes and refreshed heart I see who I really am and I can’t be in a constant state of what ifs and oh wells.