Motives

So maybe your attempts at a loving optimistic life have been thwarted by regret and sabotaged by bad decisions. Decisions which at the time, you thought were your best option to that life. Sometimes we are taken by the enthralling deceptive exteriors most things posses. Observing from the outside we are always forced to think that certain things look much better than others. Although that may be a true fact, I can't honestly say that is always the case. You look at your life now, as a silent, inside observer and you feel it is a parched desert place of indifference where nothing fruitful can grow, where nothing beautiful could possibly flourish. Don't strike out. Our motives always define our actions and that my friends is the first key to good choices. In this life, not everyone wakes up to see the sun in its glory. Nope... nature's way of keeping the balance prevents some people from seeing a new day. It's a fact! We all go to sleep when the night is due but during the night, the grim reaper comes to collect what is due him. So, yes! Life is not as good as you think for everyone. Be thankful that you are alive and that right now, in this moment, your mind is possibly thinking of the number of people who will not be awake tomorrow morning. Be thankful if you see the sun tomorrow because others haven't been so fortunate.

Firstly, understand that life is full of swift transitions. What is today, may not be tomorrow; it'll either change or fail to exist. Our motives define our actions. For most addicts after admitting their problem and need for help, the next step is finding the cause of their addiction. "Why do they do what they do?" Caution: Do not let your mind pull the thought addiction as a bad thing and that you have none. Because you do. It's there! Maybe less visible now, but it is there, like a stalker with unlimited patience. And one thing addiction does is, it grows on you and then finally becomes comfortable. Motives are why we do what we do. They are the force behind every yes and no, every I love you and let's break up. Motives are the little sparks that ignite fire into our every move. I'd therefore want to engage you in a steaming thinking session: "why do you do the things you do? Wherever you find yourself now, think about how you got there and why you made the decision that led you to this point. Most people say, "I didn't have a choice, I had to do it." Well, I'm not particularly fond of that. Unless of course you were birthed yesterday and can't even say the word choice or  past your prime and pooping your pants, you always have a choice so stop saying that. It was all on you. The choice was yours and you made the one you thought best suited your motives. The thing about life is, sooner or later regret plunges you to a place of continuous 'had I known' which is always, of course, at last. Sometimes I wonder where the had I known s disappears to when you are making the decision? 

So the question remains, "Where do motives come from?"

Unexpected

The unexpected is always upon us. T'is the one thing we live in fear of; a lingering threat with which we live everyday. One day, your heart will give in, your body will fail you, it will bow and admit defeat. The grim reaper is taking accounts and one day it'll be your turn. One day your tomorrow will see you somewhere else; in the land of the dead and there is no coming back from that. For most people, life is an adventure that they should experience, for others, it's a plan they should follow. Life is different for everyone. To the poor man who never had enough, his struggle is to be able to not lack anything. Oh yes, money, that temporal constant that is pushing everyone's buttons and enslaving them. Everyone is after it and for different reasons. 

First days are always the best days because in their real element, they are pure and the joy is genuine. The excitement pouring from within is in earnest expectation of something amazing. First days are a real charmer. They say the beginning of love is amazing and that's when you are taken by the enthralling beauty of it. When all you see is the perfectly painted veil which more often than not can be very deceptive and misleading. The truth is that the first day is nothing like the second nor the second anything like the third. As the days give way to the nights, perceptions become flawed, motives change, and the thrill sometimes become a burden. We always make decision with different motives and we live our lives fueled by different things. When the unexpected knocks at your door, are you going to meet him like an equal or you are going to beg remorsefully wishing you had more time.

Whatever the issue, trouble or the parts that don't fit together, sometimes it's not your fault, it's just how life is. Not everything happens because you did something right or wrong. Evidently, life teaches us that the unexpected is always upon us. We can try but it always catches up with us. There are times I wish I can escape from life; bury myself in deep sands and just fall into limbo to return when all is calm. We can't run from the dark days of our lives, we can't escape from the little bits that plunge us in to doubts and sleepless lonely nights. In  our dreams, I'm sure we'd all want a perfect fit of life where our needs and wants meet. We desire a life in which the girl you fall in love with is the girl you've always needed in your life, or the house you live in is the house you've always wanted. Our needs don't always coincide with our wants. No! I hate to break it to you but that never happens. Every minute of every hour of every day is an opportunity to make something for yourself, to be a step closer to where you've pictured in your mind. Remember as the day passes you draw near to the end. All you have of life is time. Time spend is life spent. In life, a step ahead can mean two steps back and it can also mean your life is in a place you'd rather not have. Life is war and the weak get left behind. At least that's what we see in life. Everyone is busy fighting their way to the top but only few are actually living. Do more of what you love and build the life you dream of. No meagre living is acceptable. The unexpected is always upon us, it lurks in the shadows waiting for the unexpected time to take us to where we came from.. 

Thinking Aloud

Eventually, there will be nothing left; nothing left to hold on to and nothing to come back to but the broken pieces of what used to be a heart. A heart now stitched together with tattered threads and a rusty needle. I could die from the infections of my own actions. I'm a man without a soul, without breath, without a heart. I stroll the corridors of life with nothing inside me. Everything around me is chaos and I bear on my rough dry skin scars of different falls. I'm numb to the pain that kills others, numb to the hurt bracing me from all sides. It scares me not. It keeps me awake at night and swings me between insensitivity and a place of no trust. 

Hear me cry out for help! Hear me boast of my weakness and how I pride myself on my flaws. My life is far from perfect, it's not even good enough but I'm a work in progress. I'm an ongoing sentence full of letters and punctuation marks. I'm a work in progress in every aspect of my life. My mind often settles on the reality with which I cope everyday. I''m already dead, I'm just waiting for life to take it's course and whisk me away. I walk the streets in the dead of night with a death wish hanging over my head. I see life slash my wrists with harsh truths and it watches in silence as I slowly bleed to death. Nothing is lost at this point. I'm the origin of chaos, beautiful and awesome. Fear me not for I'm the pain you feel in your heart. the pain that creeps up on you in the happy unsuspecting hours of your life. I'm the pain that's killing me.   

La Pause

I'm taking a short break. (Script writing and Designing a magazine) Be back with a surprise.

Red Red Rose

My sun. My star. My heart. Far away from where my eyes can see yet close like my own heartbeat. I'm always yours. I used to think finding love was like finding a needle in a hay stack: tiring and most times very unyielding. That was until you showed up with the ocean waves. I could be dead for all I know or this could be the very few seconds before death sweeps over me. I have made a mess of me, searching and thinking I have found what I've been looking for. I searched with red eyes and when my body gave in to its weariness, your love was the song: the sound that won't let me go.