Noel

In my arms she laid: her brown, chestnut eyes looked in mine day and night. Each time, they sparked up my heart with glittering lights. Before her arrival, I had been counting, waiting, and watching every star, every moon every sun, even the seasons slip by and loneliness draw nigh. My nights had been restless and my days endless. I watch her soft cheeks express their pleasure and I can feel the sound of my heart resonate below by the hour. She walked in and drowned me in the pool of love I'd so much longed for. She touched my heart and set our friendship on fire. Loving me was all that mattered, and she encouraged me to be better. She was my heart, literally.


Her love wheeled me in. I could hear the symphony of heart; they were sweet tunes of love echoing in the hollow walls of my ears. I miss Noel.

It felt like honey, descending down the walls of my heart and it unhurriedly brimmed this space. I inched closer by the second. A smile so adorable it could break any frown

Spanish Writer, Miguel de Cervantes said, "Tis said of love that it sometimes goes, sometimes flies; runs with no one, walks gravely with another; turns a third in to ice, and sets a fourth in a flame: it wounds one another it kills: like lightning it begins and ends in the same moment: it makes the fort yield at night which it besieged but in the morning; for there is no force able to resist it.

Hmmm.....Love Letters

I want to go to bed with my arms around you and I want to watch your eyes close as you fall asleep. I want to kiss you goodnight and hold you through the cold, eerie nights. I want to wake up in the morning to see your beautiful face. I want to whisper in to your ears, just before your eyes fully open, that I love you and you complete me. I want to see my ring over your finger and remember that you, my dear, were worth the wait. I want to bring you breakfast while you still lay in bed.

On the weekends, I want us to stay in. I want us to watch a movie and do something fun. I want us to play scrabble together, maybe cards. I want us to talk about the books we've read and not forget why we found each other. I want us to make lunch together and dinner too. I want us to not forget that we are supposed to help each other. I want to treat you like the queen that you are; with a beautiful mind and a loving heart. I want to you to know that you are my northern star and that your smile leaves me breathless. I want to remember why I said, "I promise to love you forever till death do us part." I want to see you and know my heart made it home, back in your loving arms. I want us to take long walks and talk like we used to and still go on first dates. I want us to live everyday full of life and love. I want us to write our love story together and follow in the steps of the Father. I want us to to throw roses on the patio and candles everywhere and have dinner. I want you to be happy everyday and not waste time being sad. Life is too short to live in "Oh wells" and "What ifs" Your beauty is like sunset, intoxicating, and you shine like sunrise. Sometimes in the stillness of dawn, I steal glances at you and remember that we are a match made in Heaven. I'm arrayed in your love and affection. My heart is anchored in your ocean of love.  I want to lie down on the patio with you and count the stars which fill the night sky, I want to tell you everything even before you ask.

I want you to know that I will love you forever and always till my last breath on earth.

I want to stay wherever you are, because you are my home, and I have eyes for only you. To linger in your presence is like taking the weight of the sun's glory in, and living  in the spaces of present and the future simultaneously.

I want to be the one you want to talk to second thing in the morning. The feeling of waking up in your arms will always be and insatiable longing. I want to leave you love notes on days that I would not be able catch you morning gazes. They would be little reminders of the love we share.

If we ever argued, or had a wild disagreement, I would want to hold you closer on nights like that to remind you that my heart belongs to you for however long God gives us life. I want to plant soft kisses all over your skin on those long cold nights, and feel your hand run softly over me. 

I want to be yours for as long as I have life. 

A search/thirst for love.

It feels, looks and acts. It takes initiative and constantly leads to honesty. It dares the worst of us to change and become better. Buried in the depths of our hearts is a thirst  for and to love; a quenchable thirst which doesn't surface until we meet that person who baits us like fishes in the ocean. In our modern day we always deodorize it to suit us but you can't change the true whiff of love: No, not at all. 

We live in a world where every one searches relentlessly for love. I untiringly wonder why; why everyone feels they need love. The answer to this troubling question is that we were created to love and to be loved. Our nature, with all its complexities succumbs to love; it kneels before it in awe. If there is one thing we know will happen, it's that at some point in our lives, we will fall in love. In our minds, we create a long lasting mental picture of this stunning, caring, loving guy with his wild abs and unique physique or slender body figure if it's a she, to sweep us off our feet. When it comes to love, we know what we want and we don't settle. Who wants to settle when they can have something even better? No one! But the fact is you don't always get what you want when it comes to love. Many people search their whole lives for that one person that makes their heart jump; that girl/guy that makes them feel infinite and nervous at the same time. The love we share in this world has evolved in to something completely different from what love is supposed to be. When we say love is kind, and patient and doesn't keep track of wrong doings, when we say love is not proud or selfish, it means love is all of that.. Because it'll take only love to be kind and patient with someone who keeps wronging you. In our days, we simmer with anger and disappointment or swing between remorse and insensitivity when the bottom drops out, or at the first light of wrong doing.

Truth is, whether it's brotherly love or love shared between a couple, you can't take these love traits out. You might stick your finger in your throat when you hear this but take a second look at your dating life. You can't be in a relationship and be blind to the other persons needs and wants. Love is not selfish, remember? Think about this for a minute or two: Imagine a couple in a relationship (friendship/marriage), and lets see what selfishness does to this relationship. If these two are about the personal gain, what holds the relationship will break and the bottom will let out. Love unites, and it doesn't separate. But selfishness does. So love is not selfish. If they are all about themselves, instead of moving on, be patient with them. Maybe this person has never had to think of anybody but him/herself. In this urban jungle we are a selfish people with few exceptions. We are not patient, we are not kind, we keep track of wrong doings and yes, we are kind to animals and we treat them like kings and queens while people die of hunger and diseases. Call it bad luck?We are the easy-peasy generation. Would you rather have someone who wouldn't share his/her umbrella when it's raining or someone who will, even if that means settling?

We want what we want and not what we need. If life is about purpose and not some miserable marked out plan of yours, then something in your life should add to your purpose. This means that the people God brings in to your life, no matter how great/terrible they maybe, are there to nudge you on the right path. First of all, why do you want what you want?  Have you identified the source of your desire? Where is it coming from?

Billy is hot but he may also be abusive and selfish but you are willing to trade John for Billy because of your pent-up sexual desires. Yes, people actually do that. Since when did love become an excuse to have sex?

 We have taken love and have deodorized it. We all say, I love you but for some people, it's 'I wanna sex you up" Selfish desires crumble and razes relationships. When someone is busy thinking and seeking their own gain under the pretense of love, not only does it break the relationship, but it gives a scar which plunges the other person into fear and a place of little or no vulnerability. If you don't love them, let them go. Don't pursue your selfish desires and hurt them in the process. Love doesn't happen overnight. Being willing discover what it means to love someone, flaws and all, means accepting them for who they are and being patient with them. It also means that somewhere in that willingness, be kind, don't keep track of their wrong doings, don't be selfish, be slow to anger and help them. It also means walking through life with them.

to be continued......

Growing Pains.

There was a time in my life when everything seemed surreal; it was a time of great tragedy and unbearable disappointment. Life had charged my father with disarming bliss of rebirth and well... everyone we knew wished us happy future endeavors and pledged their undying support. Seated uncomfortably on the couch and confused, I hankered to know why all my teachers in school came, one after the other, and shook my mother's hand. She was buried in uncontrollable sobbing and as much as I discerned the raw agony there, there was little or nothing I could do. At the time, I knew only one thing; there were broken pieces of my father laying in a cold mysterious place on stiff-like metal floors. That was the first one for the books. It was the opening life had been waiting for to start teaching me it's rewarding lessons. Everything was about to change, and I was unprepared, little, mostly ignorant of my current status and there was nothing beguiling about it. It was harsh, and this unwitting life change press-ganged my peaceful life into early darkness and chaos.

I've heard people nag about how God disappointed them or how God did not help them. I used to be one of those people. I lived in a perfect, cruise-control world and I had everything I wanted handed to me without question. I basked in the love of my father and even though I believed in God, He didn't matter to me then like He does now. The straight truth is that God doesn't disappoint. There is no hidden clause or secret code; He doesn't lie and He doesn't disappoint. When all our attempts at glory are frustrated by life's high winds, the fact that God doesn't disappoint holds. None of the terrible happenings in your life can change that; however terrible they maybe, you have to hew suffocating thoughts like that from your mind. Aint you tired of nagging? In my opinion, people, even Christians, suffer tirelessly to paint God's portrait for their lives when in actuality they should "suffer innocently" and let him paint His portrait. First of all, just because you have a dream carved somewhere in the corners of your brain doesn't necessarily mean you will see its fruition in your time. And it doesn't mean it's what God has for you. Be careful of thinking your personal dream as Gods'. Understand that until you stop trying to do everything on your own your growing pains doesn't teach much.

Growing pains are a necessity for maturity. Allow me to explain. The divorce rate for first-time marriages is a little over 50% this doesn't apply to Islamic countries. For second-time marriages, it's a little over 60% and for third time marriages, a little over 70%. The more pain you experience, the less you feel hurt. Your body becomes numb to the pain and even if you get married the fourth time, you bear traces and scars of past experiences. This means that to break up the fourth, it'll take something stronger than what killed the first, second, and third. It's spot-on that experience is the best teacher but when experience becomes your status quo, it become dangerous. The harvest is past, yet somehow your baskets are empty. The summer has ended and you are still gagged by your relentless need for control. Another fact: You can't control everything so let go already. The time has come and now is that you will destroy your selfish compound of vague desires and firm decisions. If you don't, all they'll do is wreak havoc and trust me, when I say you don't want that.

Don't mistake your blindness for godly vision and godly vision for blindness. No...don't do it. And before you hum in disagreement, take a minute to reflect on why you are pushing so hard for something God already gave you. What picture are you looking at? Are you painting your own mediocre portrait or is God painting a masterpiece out of your life. You have nothing to give God that didn't first come from Him; every good and perfect gift comes from Him. Stop the meager life, because He saved you to live life over and beyond. A life filled with purpose and goodness. Sometimes you don't even see a challenge until you find yourself smack right in the middle of the storm. I will end with this. Every relationship has its ups and downs. If there were no ups, the downs wouldn't have a hint of hardship. Hardships reveal our nature, and it refines us but by choice. Growing is a natural order but maturity is by choice. Sometimes, God nudges us into situations and challenges for our own benefit. Because the challenges doesn't change who He is, but it changes who we are and how we see Him. He does this so that we can picture a glimpse of what He sees and has for us. God takes us through the hurdles of life so that we embrace his thoughts and plans for us. We always think we have it figured out with our run-of-the-mill plans. As miserable as they are, our minds seem to be crowded with subtle deceptions that they are the best we could ever want for ourselves. God paints masterpieces and his portraits are for blind eyes. Eyes that are blind to self glorification and personal gain.

Before you start thinking you are the boss of you, know that you are holding yourself to unexceptional standards. The one thing everyone longs for in the depths of their soul is fulfillment. Because that's just about the one way to endless joy and happiness. Fulfillment comes from nowhere but following the steps of the father. Knowing Him and letting that knowledge consummate you. Don't forget; you are the crescendo of creation and a masterpiece in the making

A story for Yelena III

Continued:

Edd stood by the counter placing his order as Kayla sped past him. She was burning with joy and she was eager to meet him again.” Her mind was saturated thoughts of this husky, young man who she knew nothing about. But that didn’t even trouble her. For a moment she felt hearty, and then she felt scared again. A cold, raw, dreadful feeling raced through her body. Something bad was going to happen and she knew it. Eddard had just appeared from the bathroom when his eyes met with Edds’. Suddenly, his heart stopped, he froze; everything happening around seemed inaudible and his eyes were still fixed on Edd. He made an attempt to swing a blow to Edd's face but before he made contact, there was the sound of the death. “Put you hand down or I’ll fill you with daylight” Edd said, pointing the 9mm gun to Eddard’s head and his other hand pointing to the people. “Do not make any noise, and I’ll spare your life.” He continued, almost nervous as a cat on crack. Edd turned his gaze to Eddard. “So I killed your wife and kid… what are you going to do about that?” Eddard could hear the words echo through the hollow space of his ears. It was unnerving and he felt like strangling him. “How inhumane could his own twin be to murder his family in cold blood?” He thought and as if that was not enough, he had a gun to his head, ready to pull the trigger. The room was so silent they could hear the breathing sounds of the shop. Someone would not see the next few minutes and it wasn’t going to be Eddard. That much he knew and he was going to make sure of it. “I did your wife first and then you little boy came after that.” He continued. He spoke with so much confidence and pride for what he had done. Eddard’s breaths were rapid and uneven, his blotchy and pale look, greatly showed signs of death. Edd cocked the gun, “Say hello to your wife for me… tell her I miss her”. Eddard’s heart was now racing. He had to do something or he’d be saying hello to his wife.

The old dusty cabin buried deep in the forest witnessed many deaths and other criminal activities. It was the base of operations for Edd and his notorious friends. Two of them, however, had been paid in full what they deserved. Eddard thought of how far he had come and how this was his last chance to avenge his family.

Everyone remained calm in fear of losing their life. Edd was flying his kite about the murders when he was distracted by the police siren. Eddard clutched Edd’s hand quickly, pointed to his knee and pulled the trigger. The gunshot was loud and vibrant; fear gathered all over their faces and before Edd uttered another word, Eddard pulled the trigger again with the gun pointing to the other knee. Edd squealed like a little girl, as the police barged in pointing their guns and ordering them to put their hands on their heads.

Days had passed and Eddard had not yet called. Kayla never understood why and she blamed herself for why he never called. Her mind had finally settled on his infectious smile and she felt his lips leave afire kisses of hers each time she closed her eyes. She needed him as he did her. Kayla was trying to keep out the icy chill of a pallid January Thursday, when a bouquet of flowers arrived for her. At first, she thought it came from Mark but she opened the card and read the note. “I believe, I have something of yours and I was hoping to return it over dinner.” She paused and turned the card. “What do you say; pick you up at work, 7pm?”

“Oh my god, oh my god… Roses, tulips and orchids? Who is this guy?” Kayla uttered incredulously. She loved it and although simmering with excitement, she tried to put a lid on her loose emotions. “Okay, calm down Kayla…calm down” She whispered to herself repeatedly. “Thank you, God” Her voice was silent because everyone at work was watching.

Kayla measured up to about 5’9 she had a broad genuine smile. Her eyes were large and hazel and she rocked a stunning slender body figure. It was quarter to 7 and Eddard darted a meaningful glance at Kayla’s sister and secretary. “He’s here, Kayla. He just walked in.” Aibilene said, “I don’t like him. I have a weird feeling about this guy, Kayla.” Aibilene continued. Kayla smiled. She brushed make up unto her long curly eyelashes and dashed out. Eddard dressed casually in black trousers. He was tall and handsome-the conclusion was irresistible, the reality even more so. He was working his charms on her and she blushed again and again.

Tonight was about getting to know the mysterious, husky man sitting across the table. The night was studded with billion stars and the candle light dinner on the rooftop patio was priceless. Eddard was an open book and he opened up his soul to her. She was as curious as a cat and she listened over more wine. He intermittently threw the conversation her way and listened to each word as they soothingly left her lips. He poured her more wine and they both felt enlivened by the dinner which Eddard had prepared himself. It was a night of bliss and Kayla still thought she was dreaming. Her eyes were fixed on his lips. She couldn’t help it. “Come on, kiss me already,” she thought wildly. It was as if Eddard read her mind. He turned to her and his arms came round her. The taste of his lips on hers was reassuring and she clung to him for a moment with something like desperation. She soared over rugged mountains and crystal white shores. She had never felt this close to anyone in such a short time. Eddard surprised her with something different every time they met. She had never met anyone who treated her that special. They’d spend every other weekend touring the city and some other historic town. Long walks on the beach, dinner in the park and their love talks on the bridge made them feel closer. Even after spending so much time together, Eddard could not bring himself up to tell her about his family which was murdered. It made him so sad and he didn’t appreciate being pitied by anyone. Kayla loved sea food but never had the time for it so one evening, he surprised her with a seafood dinner at the beach where he proposed to her.  Kayla said, “Yes” in a heartbeat. She smiled and kissed him “Yes, prince charming, I’ll marry you”

A story for Yelena II

A story for Y.C continued:

Six years ago, on a warm summer evening, three burglars had broken in to his home and brutally murdered his wife and child. Eddard was arguing his case at a business conference when he received the phone call that ripped and paralyzed him emotionally. Weeks later after the burial, he quit his job as a result of his obsession with finding the murderers. It was a decision that bore rewarding results and led him to even shocking revelations. His thirst for revenge was close to being quenched and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He had killed two of the murderers but he was yet to discover the identity and location of the third. “Two down, one more to go.” He grinned. The grin was tight, conspiratorial, yet filed with gleeful satisfaction. Shock waves rattled all over Pinewood Grove and rumors about the similarities in the four murders spread fast like a wild summer fire. In everyone’s eyes, Eddard was a hero but after he discovered the identity of the third, he rented an apartment in the city and continued his investigation. His obsession grew stronger every day and he was almost broke from spending his money on different leads.He had severed all ties and relations to his family and in-laws for their own protection. And after several month of relentlessness, he received a tip from an unknown source about the identity of third murderer. 

IIIIIIIIII

Kayla was steps away from the door when her cell phone rang. She was eager to answer. It was Mark, her ex-boyfriend who had broken up with her about a week ago. Obviously, the wounds were still fresh. In an attempt to ease the pain she was feeling, her cup of coffee slipped through her fingers and crushed on to the tiled marble floor. ”Oh my goodness," she cried as her phone reached the same fate as her cup. Eddard had just stepped into the coffee shop only to slip from the spill and fall into the arms of Kayla who did all she could to help him up. “I am so sorry…” Kayla cried, trying to clean some of the spill with some paper towels. “Oh my, look at his abs” She thought to herself as her hands flew over his muscular chest. For a minute, nothing else mattered. His gaze was frozen upon her as was hers. Edd was pacing dramatically towards the coffee shop and bore a surprise. “Can I help you to the bathroom? I’d hate to ruin your good mood.” She asked nicely. Her blushing cheeks betrayed her. She liked him and she had no idea who he was. Her signals had been clearly delivered and he couldn't help but smile through it all. They were alone and she took her chance. Kayla moved her head toward his and pressed her lips on his. He didn't pull away. He kissed her back and did for a while. They were lost in each other until they had to stop for some air. It was one breathtaking kiss and they both knew it. “I have to go. I can’t be late for work." Kayla said as she tried to catch her breath. She secretly slipped her card in to his pocket, kissed him again and walked out. Eddard smiled a happy, nervous smile of enormous relief, almost disbelief and finally said, “It was nice meeting you.”

A story for Yelena I

The beginning:

A bolt of lightning ripped the sky apart to loosen a crack thunder that vibrated through the church. Kayla muttered silently. She had been wailing and sobbing out of control all morning. Her shoulders sagged and her pale brown eyes had swollen and turned red. When she heard the news upon arriving at the church, her blissful, happy look disappeared and she broke down into tears without hesitation. Here was another one for the books: another disappointment, heartbreak and another man who didn’t keep his promise. “I’d kill him any day.” Her mother uttered equally shocked with complete disgust as she pulled her up and wrapped her arms around her frail shoulders. Her daughter hurt badly and she was helpless. She ignored her mother’s statement. “If you kill him, then you’ll have to kill me too.” she replied sobbingly as tears run down her cheeks. Her sister, Aibilene, had been right the whole time but even she couldn’t bring herself to say, “I told you so.” The pain was agonizing; it was as if someone was slowly running a dagger through her. “Breathe my child, it will pass.” Irene said softly to Kayla who sobbed in her arms. Eddard, like all the men before, had crowned her with disappointment and pain. “Why will he do this to me?” She yelled tearfully. Everyone had left, leaving inconsolable Kayla in the church aisle. Aibilene was saying something about how much she hated Eddard when Irene, her mother, yanked her. “Shhh…” Something strange was happening at the church entrance

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Monday mornings were always busy for Eddard and today, although rainy and cold, was no different. His eyes seemed tired and his face expressed a conspicuous need for sleep. He had spent the past month tracking down his twin brother who almost killed him during their last encounter. Sleep was not an option at this point, not when he was this close to finding him. There were papers and important documents scattered over his desk and his information board was covered with strings and pins showing his previous locations and travel patterns. He needed to find him before Edd did. 

Kayla entered the coffee shop. Her hands were freezing and she shivered all over. Coffee, black, with two sugars was in earnest demand and she didn’t care what she had to do to get one. The shop was almost empty with about six people, who were all seated and enjoying their breakfast. She dashed to the counter. “Excuse me, I would love some hot coffee, black with two sugars.” she said gracefully, as her hands shivered. Seconds later, the waiter placed a hot cup of coffee just as she ordered. She took a sip and let loose a deep, satisfying sigh, “I so needed that”. Kayla took a few more sips, left the money on the counter and headed for the door.

Edd Young stepped out his car. It was cold almost freezing. He wore a loose fitting shirt gaping open to reveal his muscular chest which was covered with a white T-shirt. His hazel eyes darted around and without uttering a word, he walked towards the coffee shop.

Eddard Young, right about the same time, was locking up his apartment on his way to work. He had rented the apartment above the coffee shop and he was at the moment ready for his morning ritual, “Café au lait with croissants” He had no idea he was in for the surprise of his life.

Eudessa: Silent night with the Reaper

She shuddered and protested. With so much fear mixed with pain and anguish, she screamed, "God, why?" Her voice was almost gone. No one could tell and even if they could, their understanding of the situation was not worth much. God's silence and complete aversion of the question sent her into almost uncontrollable laughter, "You are silent now, huh?" The gesture now seemed to irritate her. And her tears, now, run down her cheeks as her knees gently hit the ground. The pain had finally gotten to her. The image of her sick twin sister haunted her. She was desperate like sailors on a deserted island. Life couldn't have been any harder. She was dying of anguish. A miracle was in high demand. "God, please help me..." Her voice, now barely a whisper faded like dawn at sunrise. She had no strength in her. She was almost gone. Her frail body grew weaker each second and finally crushed to the ground. Dead like dry wood. Eudessa watched her lifeless twin's body for a minute. She was certain of her fate now. The grim reaper waited patiently. "I have time..." His mischievous voice and wicked, yet somewhat joyful smile left little to doubt. The clock finally stuck and slowly, her soul walked out of the hospital room. Her vitals started crushing. Eudessa turned her gaze to her body as the doctor rushed in with three nurses to save her. "Come on now, child... Master has been waiting." the grim reaper continued in a cunning voice. Time was running out, Eudessa saw her sister waiting at a distance. He had come to collect them both. The doctor was greatly saddened upon seeing Iridessa's body, as he tried to bring her sister back, he whispered continuously, "please don't take them, Lord, please...."

IIIIIII

Dr. Selrach pushed the glasses back up the bridge of his nose. He sighed, finally admitting; Eudessa was just another body count. Time of death, 9:52 pm. "Se-end the body to the morgue" He added, overwhelmed with grief. The sisters were dead. Eudessa walked with the reaper. Her sister smiled as they inched closer. It never mattered to her where they were going as long as they stayed together. They stood at an unknown gate, enormous and made of iron. Its height was buried in the dry sky and they remained silent with unlimited patience waiting. "Do you even know the way?" Eudessa asked breaking the uncomfortable silence. "You'd be surprised, child." The reaper grinned. "Whatever strange man!" She gestured, hands wide. Iridessa smiled, "You know... maybe you should take us back." The reaper gave her a mean look as if to silence the two. "Obviously, Master changed his mind." Iridessa added. "If I were you, I'd listen to her." Eudessa supported. "Master, your servant awaits!" the reaper uttered in an eloquent yet submissive voice. The iron gates opened wide. The fear and silence had returned. Lightning illuminated the sky and thunder shook the ground. Fear penetrated their hearts like never before and they were absolutely helpless. It was a clear endless path ahead. Doors along the path opened and people poured out on to the path. Some running and others walking with great remorse written all over their faces. "My work here is done." Without another word, the reaper left them.

The sisters were so afraid they could hardly move. "Well, we can't stand here, we have to do something!" Eudessa uttered. "I think we are supposed to walk in there." Her sister suggested, scared for a life she didn't have. They were about to walk in when suddenly a loud strong voice, like a rush of wind and thunder called out, "Eudessa...Eudessa!" The voice grew familiar. "Eudessa, come back to me...

Broken and better

It's exactly 2:48 in the morning and for the past 2 hours my eyes have been sending me signals that it's time but stubborn Ebbs won't listen. I'm talking to a special someone whose name I'll not mention but honestly, I'd appreciate a prayer for M. Please say a prayer for her. She's not feeling well. We've been talking and it's really nice to be there for her and I wish I could do more. I just want all my readers out there to know that I appreciate your likes and the page views, and would sure love some comments on the posts.

For the past 6 months, I've been quite obsessed with screenplay writing and as a result I started my own screenplay titled; Life Unfettered. And no, I'm not going to talk about it. I want to talk about the broken hearts on life support. It may not be such a good idea but I still want to highlight a little bit on the subject seeing as mine is in the process of mending. 

When I had my first breakup, Beyoncé's irreplaceable was the movement, and every time I hear it now, it brings back memories of how miserable and detached I was. I appeared as lost and broken as I really was inside; saturated with unbridled pain and damned tears. Each night, I laid awake; sleepless and helpless wanting to touch my own heart and patch up the wounds and bruises, and if possible stitch the broken parts. I was a sight for sore eyes and I felt my whole life slowing ending and my world in utter destruction. At the time, Kathy said, it'll get better. I know you are in pain, Ebbs, but it'll get better. She helped me through it and then I met M. who brought me back from the 'coma' I was lost in. Everything I knew and learned about relationships proved useless. Have you ever met someone who you thought you could never be good enough for, someone who no matter how much you tried you could never possibly understand why they'd choose to be with you?

Breakups are invisible if you have bad eyes and terrible vision. It will take you by surprise like a plane crash. Nobody sees it coming until it actually happens. Life would be so much better if we had a traffic light in a relationship: where the red would be for breakups, yellow for warnings and as for the green... I don't need to tell you what that will be for. 

I did get better. As the days unfolded the nights, my heart healed and the pain...well, it had no reason to stay. A little bird told me, "there is a night for every day on this earth and in every thing you do." Make sure you know where God is when the night comes. You are your own person, and you are always good enough. Do not let any girl or guy tell you different. Yes, we all have a blind side and we all need other people, so find that person that makes you wanna be better, doesn't judge you and treat them with utter respect and tenderness. I think human beings judge others too quickly, we point fingers at others yet hide behind a curtain and justify our wrong actions. It's a little unnerving, don't you think? When it comes to blindness, we are all guilty. You have issues, I have issues, everybody 's got issues but what makes us better is we work through them.

Perhaps it was your mistake that drove the other person away or they hurt you to breaking point. It is important to not focus on the wrong or play the blame game. It's about time you understand that, you cannot explain human nature because even in its so called "perfect" state, it's still flawed. The only thing that keeps it together, is the amazing grace of God which deodorizes our blindness and helps us be better people. Carrying around old hurts and left-over resentments keeps you from being open to prospective interactions and prevents you from full vulnerability in future relationship. You cannot be in love and not be vulnerable. 

"It takes courage to love somebody, you have to risk everything." Dr. Maya Angelou. C. S. Lewis puts it like this, "Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone."

Broken things can be fixed and broken hearts can mend again

Passions: What If....

I come from a country that hardly places any great value on talent. And even if they do, it's not much. Now you understand why I used the word "hardly". Growing up for me was no easy feat. I had friends that were better than me academically, and somewhat at sports. I wanted to play soccer but my mum gave me one hell of a beating anytime I did. Over time, I gave up because I sucked at soccer and getting my ass whooped over it, wasn't worth the hustle. I wouldn't stretch much on academics because I have always thought it as not one of my greatest assets. By the time I turned 9, I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and everything I did there on was aimed at becoming this amazing person. Of course, my mistake was I defined myself by what I wanted and by how much I sucked.... lesson well learned. When you define yourself so much by what you study in school and the worldly order of things, you loose track of who you really are on the inside and who God created you to be. Who are you, anyway? Let this question sit

Storms come and go. Seasons change. Any foreigner who has lived in Morocco for over a year, will tell you this country has one of the most bizarre weather patterns. Change is a part of the life cycle and everything you get comfortable with, may not necessarily be your comfort when the tide rises and the rocks begin to pelt down on you. Just the other day one of my friends told me on the phone, people change. I laughed at that. But she was right. People change. If it doesn't happen willingly, life and its vicissitudes will make sure it does. If there is anything you can count on to happen when humans are factored into life, it's change. 

How do you define yourself? Is it by your grades in school? Could it be possible that you eyes still haven't grasped the mental picture of who you really are? What are you chasing in life?

If life was a race to fulfillment, then the rich would have a head start. I used to always think that it was, but it isn't. Our pursuit of money and the unsatisfying riches of this world clouds our judgement and we become desperate for it and frustrated when it's not happening when we want it to. Could it be that your whole life has been about the money? You've been obsessed to get you some of that good good and you will become a crook even if it means getting some of that. Education has no value, your top degrees means nothing if you are going to be a corrupt leader, and misuse resources. My country is on the list of corrupt nations and you'd think that the people who are being corrupt are the ones that have wallowed in poverty all their life. It's always safe to think that the one being corrupt never had money growing up. And as true as that is or may be, that may not always be the case... not in my country at least. 50 cent has an album titled "Get rich or die trying" he even made a movie about it. And yes, I've watched it. I used to hum to the song even rap with that instrumental and nodding my head like I lost my mind. But seriously? "Get rich or die trying to get rich?" That is a whole life wasted there. When you are a kid it's never about the money. No, not even close. It's about what makes you happy and the money is like a bonus reward that comes with the dream but you grow up and life eyeballs you day and night. And sooner or later, your focus changes to money. 

You spend your entire life chasing it whilst the rich young person blows up his money on his TOYs (temptations of youth) or gives some to charity. And all we have are people so obsessed about getting rich that it crowds their judgement and blinds their vision. And we live life poor and we die empty like a leaky bucket full of holes. 

If life was a race to get money, the rich would always win because they have the money. When life becomes about money, passion becomes invisible, and small beginnings have no meaning. Even if they do, your morals become so corrupt trying to swim with sharks. 

Flentes:The emptiness and the calm

"Everyone that love me, I lie to... even myself. They say that God created the world in 6 days: on the first day there was light but there was no light. There was no heaven and earth that I could see. There was no garden of Eden that I lived in. There wasn't even earth under my feet that I could feel. I felt nothing. And on the 5th day, they said He created creatures. The only creatures that I saw, were the ones that I imagined in my mind. And I know God didn't create any of those.... He didn't create any of it. And there was no me; that's for sure... there was no me." 

This was the opening scene of Woman thou art loosed:on the 7th day when I watched it. It was a touching film and I loved every bit of it. This woman, in the film appeared despaired with a small gathering of grief over her face. It was as if, at each moment she spoke, her hope somewhat died. She reminded me of who I was years ago. When my whole world had fallen apart. And all I could think of was the pain I was helplessly drowning in, the loss and the emptiness.

I suffered through the brokenness and the continuous graceless pain that tormented me every night of every day; the pain that made me feel I wasn't good enough. And true it was I wasn't good enough for anybody. I thought, "God didn't even want me. I'm the one every one keeps leaving behind. "I asked for answers but He never talked. The rains had me soaked in remorse and the storms had tattered my clothes beyond recognition. Everything I'd known growing up was useless. But then it hit me. The rain falls on everyone and that is just how life is.

We all have our rainy days. For some, it can rain for months for others, years. The storms of life always come as the tide will, come hell or high water. That is just life and there is nothing you or anybody else can do about it. The truth is: Life doesn't revolve around anybody and the things we go through in life happen to be the things that make us somewhat conscious of who we are. This may be the harsh reality that you don't want to hear but it's true. Everything that happens in our life, happens to teach us, change us and even help us realize something about ourselves we didn't know. I never knew how to trust God until it was my only choice. It was like everywhere I turned, life kept shouting "checkmate!" You can't run away from the things that happen to you, but you can have a different perception about it and allow it to teach you like it has been commissioned to. 

The fact that somebody has it worse or is experiencing a worse situation doesn't change the fact that you still have what you have. Life hands out reality checks all the time. That's to tell us that it's not a cruise-control journey you can put on automatic and expect everything to be silky smooth.

Honey kisses with tea

If you are reading this post, I want you to know that I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. Your likes and comments encourage me to write more and make me smile.
"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."

Change is good, embrace it ! I remember, when I was barely 16 and we had to move to our new house, I was saturated with fear. There were no lights and the road leading up to the house was old and dusty. I hated that we had to give up our apartment for a new house. Yeah, old silly Ebe. That was me. That huge change threatened me. It run shivers down my spine. I hated that for the first time, I was going to have my own room with door and wardrobe and everything. I'd become so comfortable in the little space I had throughout my life. I remember the rains of life hit us when I was barely nine and how everything else changed after my father passed. I'd grown to love the little circle and learned to share and appreciate little beginnings. But over appreciating that had grown rings of comfort around my fingers and I didn't want to move. If it were up to me, we'd stay there. They say change is inevitable and one way or the other, it'll hit you. And whereas the idea may seem so meaningful, it may not seem so laudable. Because what sides with change is the threat of failure.

"How was the place going to be like? Do cars even go there? What about the lights? And the water problem?" these and many more questions poured in to my mind like a monsoon and even scared me more. Thank God I was in school when they moved. I would have passed out. What that taught me was, "Don't get too comfortable because no situation is permanent and that change is God's way of teaching us." Change is how He teaches us about the little things we don't pay attention to. Change is God's way of telling us that He always has something better for you, if you listen and do as He says. Growing up, I was the only boy who sort of lived in a rented house. Most of my friends lived in their own houses. And there were times I wished I lived in my own. If there's anything relevant to what I'm writing here, it is that, change is good and when we pay attention to the lingering threat of failure, we will never move. If change was easy, every body would do it. Listen and listen good. Embrace change and forget about everything else. Because they will sort themselves out. Nothing can compare to the feeling of waking up to birds chirping or sitting in the porch and watching squirrels run through the weeds. It's like connecting with nature on a different level. Yes, it was tough in the beginning but not anymore.
We've got non stop water supply and intermittent power supply but that's everywhere in the country. We go to sleep in the comfort of our own house and we wake up to nature not honking cars. And that is very rewarding if not priceless for someone who loves nature.

Change doesn't mean it'll be cheese and crackers, it means you are finally growing. Growing from the scared little person you are to someone with courage and strength. We all live with threats of failure. It'll hang over your head till you die, but that's why God gave you faith. He gave you the EVIDENCE of things hoped for. Do not trouble your heart over things that hardly matters. Don't waste your time on something God didn't give you. The stakes are too high for that. When God says move, you better because you sure don't want miss the thrill of honey kisses with tea. It always gets better. Sure fact! As long as you have Him as captain.

To be continued...

Choices of the heart

Love in its own self, can make a heaven of any hell and a hell of any heaven. A fish and a bird can fall in love but where will they live? It's true to say that love unites the strangest people. It follows no rules. But one of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone so much that you forget that you are special too. It's like surrendering your soul to someone who doesn't even seem to appreciate your burning desire to be with them. You spend too much time hoping, longing and in the process you lose sight of who you are and your self worth. Never leave words unsaid. Bellow it out of your lungs if you have to and sigh in relief. Breathe and let your heart rest because all your life, it sought for something you cannot even name.

Maybe for you, true love is not the kind of thing not to turn down and neither is it the kind of thing to give up. Maybe, just maybe, you are waiting for a ship that already sailed or even a train that has already left the station. Nonreciprocating love on the part of a friend can be damaging if you find yourself as the one doing all the giving. Some people never get over it. Life would have been easier if we could just pick the people we fall in love with. Then we'd not have to struggle and deal with not being loved back. It even gets worse when you find yourself in such a tough position and worst of all, when this 'centre' of your sweet emotional chaos finds somebody else and falls in love. 

I learned a long time ago to never leave words unsaid. This is because the heart wants what it wants. That still remains indisputable so you might as well get it over with. What I've seen is that most people struggle with with the threat of failure because, literally, it's only thing that gives a young bride on her wedding day cold feet, and a mother saturated with the feeling that she might fail at being a great one. Listen, and listen good and trust me on this, fear becomes powerful the more you live with it. Face it and walk away, that's how you get rid of it. Face the damn thing and do what you were going to do anyway. I think as humans, we let the possible outcome scare us in to not making use of the opportunity when it presents itself. 

Do not take things for granted, If you are reading and you find yourself in this uncomfortable situation, speak up, chicken! Speak up, it'll not kill you. I mean seriously, whats the worse that can happen? What's worse case scenario? Who knows, spring may be just around the corner for you, even summer. Even the common things can become extraordinary so forget the fear you've been struggling with. It's imperative that you realize that you can not make a life changing decision based on emotions because emotions are unstable. So before you break the handle on how you feel, you might want to let the feeling run its course. There is something about joyful storms that interrupt the routine of always trying to sacrifice your happiness for others. You also deserve to be happy so speak up now because whoever they are, they can't hear you.

A suitable 'Help me'

Millions of people walk around in this urban jungle, some of which actually live in an actual jungle, looking for a suitable "help mate.". Help mate because, God during creation, created two of each kind. He created all animals, male and female. And when he started with man as the lone creature of his kind, he saw the need for a companion. So you can't rule out the fact that companionship is a life thing God conceived in the beginning, even before your daddy and mama got together to birth you. It's part of the life cycle so stop trying to run away from it. If anything, embrace it, but wisely. 

Yes, it's okay to slow down because of a few mishaps with other relationships. But statistics show that married people live longer. What this means is that finding a suitable 'help mate' guarantees somewhat long life. Add it to your long list of to-do things to live longer and healthier. Most people live with the perception that marriage is not for them. Because they pay more attention to movies than they do in real life. This generation either has little or no idea what real life is. We long for easy life. But can you blame us? It's safe to say that the evolution of technology from clanging metals to actual devices has inundated us with flawed perceptions about almost everything. Let this sit for a bit. Out of the millions in this urban jungle looking for a 'suitable help me', we find people who don't even know who they really are because they have defined themselves with things on the outside just to attract darting eyes. But sooner or later, they realize that they bit more than the could chew and something has to give. 

Who are you really? Bishop T. D. Jakes says in his book, "Making great decisions," that single people must first date themselves to figure out who they are and what appeals to them, their likes and dislikes and the whole deal. This is because if you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and if you don't know what you want, you don't know when you find it. And if you don't know when you find it, you don't know when you lose it. Life is not milk and cookies. It's a learning experience that yields stunning profits if you pay attention. Don't forget you are responsible for yourself first. We have deodorized the stench of our relationships and we've made it more about intimacy on a sexual level than we do knowing the other person we play with every night in bed in the name of love. 

So yes, we are searching and it's yielding results every night but it's hardly what we want and we give up because, overtime, your falling meter goes broken. You are part of the millions looking, I am too. We can't bring back the Deuteronomy 24:5 but that doesn't mean we can't spend time loving each other. And FYI it always doesn't mean sex. Trust me, I know. Love is, in my not so humble opinion, no excuse to have sex. If anything it's how you come to discover and appreciate another human being, flaws and all

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