New Eyes and Refreshed heart

My mind is undecided about how I’ll feel when you finish reading these words as they leave my fingers. I can’t understand so many things, and I can wait to be told what is real, and what isn’t. To be that vulnerable in a place of uncertainty is like being in escaping the rain to fall in the ocean. And I don’t think that’s what love is. Before we exchanged hellos, I must have thought of you, countless times, as beautiful and you wore the best smile. Everybody I knew said that I was shut up, tighter than an air tight container but I brushed their words off like pencil shavings on a shirt. I hankered for you many days on end till I let the reigns slip thought the cracks of mind and just when I thought I was free of that desire, we happened.
We happened like red roses in spring, like the early morning sun in the east and we sailed faster than rapids. It was a speedy ride and we both loved it. When you asked me about my fears, I opened up like a flower in awe of the pearly lustre of the full moon and I shared my fears and my darkest moments with you. You braced me with love when I only thought that we were just beginning. What changed? Words that bear meanings, I write to you. Maybe you are afraid, because I never show my emotions and I hardly express my feelings. But if you knew me at all, you’d know that that’s who I am. You gave me the thrills that I’d never thought of. I felt the attraction and the sanity of your affection as your nature rubbed against mine.
Yes, we spoke about the future and I wrote you words that could have only come from my heart. You belonged with someone else but you told me that you loved me. And I loved you back. We were okay, happy, but it never felt quite right. It didn’t; so you spilled the beans and let me go. I left. I wasn’t sure of where to go because everyone said that I am too forgiving and I wore my heart on my sleeve- the pain and the heartache of broken promises. We fell apart and we have spent all the time in the world fixing what has always been broken. We are like pieces of broken mirror, better apart than together. When we tried putting the pieces after time had passed, we thought we could have all that we lost- all that we’d lost in the fall. We built trust, and tried affection, honesty joined, and for a while we seemed to have filled the pieces together. When I first met you, I wasn’t responsible enough to handle the importance of falling in love. I separated easily like vinegar and oil at first touch of uncertainty. But with you, I never understood why I couldn’t close the doors after you left to suit your own desire. My heart is invaluable to my future and I‘ve bruised and broken it so many times in the name of love.
You’ve always jumped first, looked later. And when I told you I scare easily, you said that you never knew what was real and what wasn’t. I have played second chair to your relationship. And you’ve left me twice for the same person in the name of my weaknesses. I may be a sealed bottle of emotions; an emotional roller coaster, but I have loved you like cotton ball clouds love the sky. The fear, I feel now, is familiar; I can almost tell that things are different. This is not a needle in a haystack. And this is not a love letter. This is a letter that says the skeleton of whatever we shared can never be put back together and like things of the past, they are better left untouched. We were once a beautiful thing that had no roots; had no zeal; no patience; no time.
I’m tired of the uncertainty and the constant feels of vulnerability when I bare my heart open. No more I miss yous. No more I love yous.
So with new eyes and refreshed heart I see who I really am and I can’t be in a constant state of what ifs and oh wells.