By Lazarus

I returned home in September last year from a long time away doing things that have not only changed my life, but also my thought process. As I sit in my porch looking out to the lush green surroundings, the din of cars and people grow distant and sometimes the only sound I can hear is the sound of the breeze slapping against my face. During times like this I am forced to ponder the hard, crusty environment I find myself in. The pastor on the television keeps reminding me that God is in control, but quickly after, he adds that he has anointing water on sale and each time I hear that, I am constantly reminded that even some of these "men of God" can not be trusted. I understand that God is in control but my feelings have not changed. Each evening, if my day allows it, I pour my thoughts into little words as I watch the vast expanse of the dark firmament. I can''t even yap at the mosquitoes who are having a field day with my bare chest. Even they are in hard times with all the mosquito nets in almost every home across the country. I am losing my grip on my sentiments  about the gross negligence and the insatiable greed in the eyes of some of these people. It breaks my heart but to some, my heart is not worth much. Change is not change until it is change. All this time, my own flaws yap at me from every corner of my mind. They remind me that I am human and I can only do as i have purposed in my heart to. Good times end when bad times begin. But you can not let go. My mind is tired from questioning God, and my frustrations are ever increasing.

In all that I have learned this: If you define who you are with perishable things, then your soul becomes perishable as well. Strip away all the things you have surrounded yourself with: your accomplishments, your phones, cars, girlfriend/boyfriend, house, job, etc.,what are you left with? Who are you after we take all that away. If you are not able to read a book when there is no internet, you have issues. Address them. I realized one thing when I sat in my porch thinking aloud. I was centered on the material things I didn't have. I had forgotten that I was intelligent and had many skills to my credit. I was an addict who was learning to say no to watching films all day on the weekends. I was learning to spend time with myself and think aloud. You have to lose yourself to improve yourself. Everyone acts like rock bottom is the worse thing that can happen. When you have been stripped bare, naked, and all your dirty laundry is out there, your pride is severed and who you are is out there for everyone to take a peek and criticize. That is when you grow. That is when you realize that it can and does get better. Which can be anything but bad. It is only when we shed all self definition that we actually find who we are. Who you are is vital to your purpose. I understood that when I identified myself with things, I lost sight of who I was and what God said I am. What you think of God does not take away anything from him? It takes from you your faith in Him and his power at work in your life. When you hit rock bottom, acquire wisdom and get back up, you are not defeated, you have won. By Lazarus, we know that a man can be poor and still be a friend of God. It is about time you stopped yapping at God.

Here is something to think about:

Growth is painful. Change is difficult. But it can only be change after you succeed. You can't mature without any of the two.