New Eyes and Refreshed heart

My mind is undecided about how I’ll feel when you finish reading these words as they leave my fingers. I can’t understand so many things, and I can wait to be told what is real, and what isn’t. To be that vulnerable in a place of uncertainty is like being in escaping the rain to fall in the ocean. And I don’t think that’s what love is. Before we exchanged hellos, I must have thought of you, countless times, as beautiful and you wore the best smile. Everybody I knew said that I was shut up, tighter than an air tight container but I brushed their words off like pencil shavings on a shirt. I hankered for you many days on end till I let the reigns slip thought the cracks of mind and just when I thought I was free of that desire, we happened.
We happened like red roses in spring, like the early morning sun in the east and we sailed faster than rapids. It was a speedy ride and we both loved it. When you asked me about my fears, I opened up like a flower in awe of the pearly lustre of the full moon and I shared my fears and my darkest moments with you. You braced me with love when I only thought that we were just beginning. What changed? Words that bear meanings, I write to you. Maybe you are afraid, because I never show my emotions and I hardly express my feelings. But if you knew me at all, you’d know that that’s who I am. You gave me the thrills that I’d never thought of. I felt the attraction and the sanity of your affection as your nature rubbed against mine.
Yes, we spoke about the future and I wrote you words that could have only come from my heart. You belonged with someone else but you told me that you loved me. And I loved you back. We were okay, happy, but it never felt quite right. It didn’t; so you spilled the beans and let me go. I left. I wasn’t sure of where to go because everyone said that I am too forgiving and I wore my heart on my sleeve- the pain and the heartache of broken promises. We fell apart and we have spent all the time in the world fixing what has always been broken. We are like pieces of broken mirror, better apart than together. When we tried putting the pieces after time had passed, we thought we could have all that we lost- all that we’d lost in the fall. We built trust, and tried affection, honesty joined, and for a while we seemed to have filled the pieces together. When I first met you, I wasn’t responsible enough to handle the importance of falling in love. I separated easily like vinegar and oil at first touch of uncertainty. But with you, I never understood why I couldn’t close the doors after you left to suit your own desire. My heart is invaluable to my future and I‘ve bruised and broken it so many times in the name of love.
You’ve always jumped first, looked later. And when I told you I scare easily, you said that you never knew what was real and what wasn’t. I have played second chair to your relationship. And you’ve left me twice for the same person in the name of my weaknesses. I may be a sealed bottle of emotions; an emotional roller coaster, but I have loved you like cotton ball clouds love the sky. The fear, I feel now, is familiar; I can almost tell that things are different. This is not a needle in a haystack. And this is not a love letter. This is a letter that says the skeleton of whatever we shared can never be put back together and like things of the past, they are better left untouched. We were once a beautiful thing that had no roots; had no zeal; no patience; no time.
I’m tired of the uncertainty and the constant feels of vulnerability when I bare my heart open. No more I miss yous. No more I love yous.
So with new eyes and refreshed heart I see who I really am and I can’t be in a constant state of what ifs and oh wells.

The Workshop : Flaws

Over the next couple of weeks, I will be featuring some of my unpublished writings. When I started "The Workshop" series, I had hit rock bottom; flat on my behind with no hope, and nowhere to turn. I think it was the second time I had contemplated suicide. But during that time of my life, I was able to learn some of the important things about dealing with people and it helped me navigate so many friendships. I was able to decide on what and who I wanted in my life. I believe that relationships shape and build us and it is at the forefront of our very own existence.

I hope you enjoy the posts as I roll them out. The first is titled Flaws

I don't know about you but my first love experience was hot wheels. I mean it was the whole love 360 cut through, over the top, amazing. Come to think of it, I could have been run over by a car and would still feel the love that was serenading me from every angle. I have always said that the beginning of love is sweet. It is ecstatic and if you have ever fallen in love, you'd share the sentiment. Unfortunately, my first love fell apart faster than a race car at 120km/h. It fell apart because sometimes what you get is not always quite like what you imagined or desired. When you don't know what it is that you want, you are absolutely clueless when it lands on your laps. A person is a combination of good and bad, right and wrong, the human body itself is a combination. You are a work of art. You have a spirit, a soul and you live in a body. That is a combination of everything that you are. We are flawed in everything human, primarily because we live in a human world. Everyone in their natural state is judgmental and can be potentially condescending. That is a fact. But we all want to be perfect for multiple reasons- some of which are honest and pure. Our need to be perfect or to have a perfect something or someone stems from the need to complete our own imperfection. We have a good heart but it is in the wrong place. The simple truth is that our perception of perfection varies individually. The eyes see what they want to see because we are all different, and as soothing as that is, we are also flawed. The reason why I say this is because our portrayal of love is a simple case of give and take. I give you my heart, I take yours in return and we call that selfish idea of love, love. It's easy to tell someone you love them when they are showing you all the aces they have, but remind me how you react, how you feel, when they show you the ones and twos.  We are a flawed generation chasing after a perfect life. It doesn't take much to see that truth.

The first step to becoming a better person is accepting that there is a problem. we become better by accepting that we are good but we can be better. Accepting yourself opens a door to appreciating yourself

I can only get better.

I found myself working in the trenches of an old mistake. It's one that enshrouds me with  regret every time the thought storms my mind. But I can only get better. Worse, maybe the worst but I can only get better. I think human as we are, our imperfections fall in to oblivion when we are about to pronounce judgement for a  wrong done to us. The present eminence of anger and simmering hatred always clouds our judgement. I'm often not bothered by such things but  recently, I found myself at the eavesdropping end of a rather awkward conversation between two people who's names I'd not mention; but as far as awkward moments go, I think this one is a classic. What that eavesdropping moment taught me, was that as much as I'd love to degrade someone who wrongs me, at some point I will mess up too. I grew up thinking that forgiveness is a necessary requirement for every human being on the face of this planet, not because I was an expert at offending people -maybe a little bit- but because no one is perfect. Not that I hold myself in high esteem for being able to let things slide but I think that letting things go sometimes prevent utter chaos.

As far wrong doings go, everyone is guilty. If you are not, you will be soon. It's just the way life is. You have to understand that your forgiveness is what makes you worthy of forgiveness from God. We are all handed the same grace card, we are all drowning in the same ocean of grace- some faster than others- but we are still drowning. And nothing will change that. So if God has shown you mercy for all the dumb, mean stuff you've done, you don't get to exercise restraint when it comes to forgiving others. Take for instance the friend who become a little too melodramatic about your past when she failed to mention that she has a crazy past of her own. We are secretive people. That's never going to change. A hundred years ago, yes, maybe but not in this age. We are not proud of who we were. Who ever is? It's called the past for a reason. Forgive yourself and move on. People will always be people; quick to cover their wretchedness, just so they can point fingers and judge others. That's us. If we could do an exposé on you, do you honestly think everyone will still look at you the way they did. That exposé would spread faster than a prairie fire.

To be continued....